Changes over the years
It's interesting, enlightening... could be depressing, but I won't let it be... to assess the changes to my personality over the years. I went back and read some journal entries from some 12 or so years ago and was a little shocked by how "raw" I was then. I was much more easily provoked and much more easily frustrated. My stress levels were off the charts.
Here's an excerpt, edited to protect the innocent (I don't believe I would have bothered to protect the innocent back then.)
(My employer) has been forced to move into our new office space before we were ready because we found out this morning that as of Monday, the building we're in is scheduled for demolition. I also found out this morning my boss no longer has an office reserved for him. He will be in a cubicle with the rest of us weenies who are not worth of an office.
So... I'm kind of depressed. I really don't feel like the managers of this company are very considerate of those working for them- making the company work. And... most of all, I just don't enjoy what I'm doing. I don't enjoy the working conditions.
So... I just don't know what to do. (Our vice president) used to spew &%^$ about honesty and openness and how he wanted good communication in this company. I don't know how you promote good communication in a company, but we sure the %&$ don't know how to do it. The communication in this company is so &%$#@& screwed up... I feel we could be a prototype for bad communication.
I don't think (Employer)'s problem is that nobody's TRYING to communicate. Everyone is yacking and spouting constantly. It's just that nobody's listening and nobody's considering what anyone else has to say. In fact, nobody seems very considerate at all. I've tried to be considerate. I don't know if I am... but I try to be.
I know I'm a lot more wise now than I was then. I probably have a long, long road ahead of me in the path to wisdom accumulation, but I'm proud to say I'm a lot more level-headed now than I was then. If I could talk to the person I was then, I'd have a lot of advice on how to deal with the situation I was in, but I'm fairly certain the person I was then would just deflect the advice and make excuses for why the situation was dire, grim, and hopeless.
The problem at that particular company was that of leadership- there wasn't any good leadership. We had good technology, really good technology, but we were undermanned and overtasked. I really didn't have much experience under my belt at the time to realize I should have, could have, stepped up to the plate to contribute some of the badly needed leadership. I had a good deal of confidence and passion about what I wanted to do for the company, of course, but felt mostly unsupported by those above me.
Today, on the other hand, situations are different. I have very little of that passion I had then. I've force myself, intellectually, to learn new skills, to do a good job for my employer because I know I need the skills, not just the technical skills, but even the simple ability to accept and complete tasks given to me. My confidence shattered in the intervening years is on a slow but steady growth curve, accompanied by a small sense of humility I didn't have back then. I'd love to regain that passion, but I suspect a newly gained apprehension of faceplanting looms, everpresent.